Rose's Doomsday
by BadWolfIsMe
Summary: Bad Wolf Bay on the worst day of Rose Tyler's life. And this is how she saw it... Right up to the bitter end.


**I was watching _Doomsday_ the other day and it got me thinking about exactly what Rose must have been thinking throughout that last scene on the beach. So here it is. Just a oneshot but if it gets enough interest I may consider adding the Doctor's POV in another chapter...?**

**Anyway, please review =D And enjoy x**

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I'm not sure why we did it, looking back, everyone _should_ have made more of a fuss. There was no logic, nothing to prove that the dream was anything more than that: a dream. Only my word. Even I'm not sure what made me so convinced it was real. I think, maybe I just didn't want to let him go, maybe I was waiting, hoping for something like that to happen. I think… somehow… I _knew_ that it wasn't the end. I knew that I'd see him again. And maybe it was my certainty that made them do it.

I was going to go on my own, but of course, mum wanted to come, and if mum was coming then so was dad, and then Mickey wanted to come as well, and in about an hour the four of us were ready to go. It was surprisingly quick. In my head I know it should've taken longer, but I couldn't wait, I needed to go. I needed to see for myself if it was real.

I remember it all so well, one minute I was telling them my dream and the next we were in the car and driving. I thought dad might have had a problem with just going, but I think they all must have wanted to see for themselves just how accurate my dream was. We had to drive without directions, but it was fine, because somehow I knew just where to go.

I'm not sure how I knew where to stop either, but I did. Mum didn't seem to believe me when I told dad to stop on that beach, but it was the last time she ever doubted me after that. That's probably a good thing, cause it was the last time I ever trusted myself.

.o0o0o

As I stepped out of the car onto the windy beach, I had half a million questions and doubts whizzing around my head. What was I doing there? Suddenly, as I looked around the empty landscape I realised that he wasn't going to be there - of course he wasn't! He couldn't be, the Bridge had collapsed and there was no way he could get through. So what was I doing there? I knew that something was waiting for me, I just didn't know what, or where to look. As I began to lose hope, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, and suddenly he was there.

I wanted to smile, to run up to him and lose myself in his hug, but he wasn't there, not properly. I could see through him and it was weird. I wasn't sure what I was expecting but this wasn't it. This was a tease. I couldn't kiss this, I couldn't hold this and hug it so tightly I couldn't breath. He wasn't really there.

"Where are you?" My voice sounded like a stranger in the silence.

"Inside the TARDIS," He sounded like he was here. I was barely listening as he went through the science of the 'tiny little gap in the universe'. "I'm blowing up a sun just to say goodbye," he said, with a faint smile. I wanted to smile, I wanted to hug him and thank him… for everything…

"You look like a ghost," It was all I could manage. I didn't want him to look like that, I wanted him to be solid, and there. I watched as he fiddled with the sonic screwdriver and pointed it at something I couldn't see - no doubt the TARDIS console - and my heart panged, I wished I could step inside the amazing ship, just one more time, I wished I could stand there as the Doctor flicked a switch and sent the three of us into the unknown, but I couldn't.

As the Doctor's form came into a better existence, I found myself walking towards it, as though drawn by the same invisible force as the one that had brought me there in the first place. When I was standing right in front of him I brought up a hand to cup his check, "Can I touch…?" I asked, but I didn't even need to finish the question before he shook his head and replied, "I'm still just an image, no touch."

I don't know how I managed to cope after that, I heard myself from a distance ask if he could come through properly, but deep down I knew that if he could then he would have done it already. When he replied that the universes would collapse I found that I didn't care. I wouldn't have cared if a thousand universes collapsed just to give me one more chance to hold his hand. We laughed when I said that I didn't care, but we both knew that I was only half joking, and I think he felt the same.

"Where are we, where did the gap come out?" his trivial question almost took me by surprise, but I had the answer ready. After 50 miles of _are you __**sure**__this is the right direction?!_ I knew exactly where we were.

"About 50 miles out of Bergen. It's called _Darlig Ulv Stranden_," I even got the pronunciation right. I found myself almost smiling, wondering if the Doctor would translate the name straight away.

"Dalek?" he asked, I thought to myself how close he was before correcting him, and translating the word, giving him a fairly obvious hint I thought.

"_Darlig_, it's Norwegian for 'bad'," at the Doctor's still confused expression I continued, realising that he wasn't going to understand, "This translates as Bad Wolf Bay," that got a better reaction, I saw the corners of his eyes wrinkle slightly, and his mouth turned up into a smile for the first time that day. Encouraged by his change in expression, I let out a hollow laugh, but it didn't feel right somehow, like we were trying to pretend it was all okay, when we both knew it really wasn't.

The laughter faded before long, but for a second it really was good and I was happy for a second. I could see in his eyes that he was. The next question I could feel myself preparing to ask, I had to blink back tears as it bubbled up in my mouth, I didn't want to ask it cause I knew the answer would be far shorter than what I wanted it to be, but I couldn't help myself, I needed to know. "How long have we got?" I tried hard to keep my voice even, but I couldn't help but allow a sniff get the better of me.

"About two minutes," came the reply: I was right, much shorter than I wanted.

I pushed the hair back from my face, "I can't think of what to say!" I half-laughed, half-cried. I wanted to say something really memorable, something to tell this man exactly how I felt. I wanted to thank him for everything he'd ever done for me, but in two minutes, there was no chance I could even begin to explain it.

The Doctor smiled at me and I think my heart stopped, just for a moment as our eyes held each others gaze. And then he looked up, just slightly, acknowledging the people behind me for the first time. I knew it was selfish, but I almost didn't want him to notice them, I'd practically forgotten they were there, forgotten it was anyone more than just me and the Doctor; and that was the way I wanted it.

"You've still got Mr Mickey then," he stated. As I nodded slightly, the brief smile that had adorned my lips vanished.

"There's five of us now," I told him, watching his face for a reaction as I counted them off, "Mum, Dad, Mickey… And the baby."

I don't know whether I imagined it or his eyes lit up slightly as he asked, "You're not…?"

I shook my head, laughing slightly as I told him it was mum. The light that I couldn't quite have been sure was there disappeared as he nodded, obviously it wouldn't be _me_ who was pregnant! The only man it could have been would be the man who's image stood in front of me there, and we certainly never…

"And what about you, what are you…?"

"Yeah, I'm back working at the shop." I told him, trying not smile as I thought about how ridiculous that would be.

The Doctor frowned for a minute before, "Oh, good for you."

I smiled, "Shut up!" I went to nudge him before remembering that he wasn't really there, "No, I'm not." I wanted him to laugh, but he didn't, so I continued, "There's a Torchwood on this planet, open for business," I would never count this planet as home, it wasn't the same as the planet I was born on, it was so different, "Reckon I know a thing or two about aliens," I smiled, hoping he would understand the thanks I tried to show him in it.

"Rose Tyler: Defender of the Earth!" he declared, a hint of pride in his voice, but that could just have been the way I heard it. "You're dead, officially, back home."

There it was, what he had wanted to say. In all honesty, I was glad he told me, glad I knew what my home planet thought of me.

"So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on the list of the dead," he carried on, I just nodded. Suddenly I understood what he must feel every day. The feeling of isolation, his home planet was dead, mine might as well have been, cause I was never going to see it again. Doomed to walk around every day with people that look like my people but really never can be. At least I still had my family, and technically the Human race was still all around me, they just weren't the people I'd grown up with. And the difficult bit was that I would never be able to tell the difference.

"But here you are," he continued, with a slight hint of a smile, "Living a life, day after day," he had no idea how each word was killing me more. If I was living a life, then it was a half life, because nothing could be a life after the things I had seen, I wasn't alive, I was dead, "You're one adventure I can never have."

My heart stopped. He couldn't possibly mean what I thought he meant. He probably meant that he could never live a normal life, and he was trying to tell me that a normal life was still an adventure but I'd have to live it alone. That was probably it. Yet still… there was something in his eyes that made me think… Maybe _I _was the adventure.

I had to blink hard not to cry as I felt our time drawing to an end. He had said two minutes, how much of that had passed? I couldn't tell. It only felt like two seconds, but I knew it was a lot longer.

"Am I ever going to see you again?" I asked, a couple of tears escaping my eyes. I didn't really need to ask, I knew the answer. But still, I needed to know… I needed to know if there was even a _chance._

"You can't." I knew that. And he knew that I knew that, but it didn't make the words hurt even less.

"So what you going to do?" Looking back, I'm not sure why I asked this, I think some of me wanted to know that I'd be remembered.

"Still got the TARDIS," he replied, "Same old life: Last of the Time Lords."

"On your own?" I didn't want him to be alone. I'd seen him so alone and I didn't want him to go back to the way he was. But at the same time I didn't want to be replaced. Didn't want to be forgotten.

"Yeah…" he told me. I hoped he wouldn't be. I hoped he'd find someone. Not straight away, but in time I hoped he'd show someone else the stars. I wanted to tell him this but instead I knew we were running out of time and there was one thing that I had to tell him.

"I…" I couldn't say it… I _had_ to say to say it. I took another deep breath and tried to push the tears back down inside of myself. _Once it's been said, I can cry_, I promised myself, running my tongue over the words I was about to say a couple more times before I tried again, "I love you."

I think he might have already known, if he didn't then he didn't act surprised. He just smiled with a far away look in his eyes. "Quite right too," he joked, I tried to smile, but true to my promise, I was already beginning to cry. I couldn't lose him… I just couldn't.

"And… I suppose…" he continued, my head snapped up, but I could barely see him through the curtain of tears but his voice rang clear in my head. He was going to say it… I'd never expected him to say it back. I knew I probably wasn't the first of a long list of companions to fall in love with the incredible man, but as far as I was aware he'd never loved any of them, not as more than a friend. "If it's my last chance to say it…" I wished he'd just get on with it, his voice was still fairly jokey but his expression suddenly took a serious note and I knew that whatever he said next he meant with all his hearts. "… Rose Tyler…" and then he was gone, and my heart broke.

I breathed heavily, trying to keep myself from collapsing in the agony that was slowly edging it's way from my heart. I brought up a hand to wipe away the tears that were clouding my vision and realised that it was pointless. It was pointless to try to pretend I was okay. That was when I gave up to my emotions and bent over, doubling up under the weight that was pressing into me, forcing me to the ground now that the Doctor wasn't there to help me carry it. For probably the first time I admitted to myself that I _wasn't_ strong enough, that I needed him. Without my Doctor my life was pointless and the universe wasn't a place I wanted to be. At that moment I realised that this universe could never be my home, not while my heart was in a different one. I could live my whole life not being truly alive.

And he'd never said it. I knew what he was going to say… I think, but I would never know. I would never know whether he loved me back, and that was one of the hardest things.

Regaining my composure slightly, I turned to face my family. Honestly, it was one of the last things I wanted to do: see them. But I knew that it was better now than never. I looked at all their faces, trying not to look at Mickey's face for too long as it was the first time he'd heard me tell the Doctor I loved him too, and I knew that he still wasn't completely over me.

When my eyes landed on my mum, I saw her move forward, and I couldn't hold on. I just ran towards her and she ran towards me, then I let her engulf me, I stood and held her as though she would fade if I let go. I closed my eyes and I was no longer stood on Bad Wolf Bay, I was standing on a strange, far away planet, my arms around the man I loved with his around me, holding me tightly. I breathed in and the smell that reached me was the soft scent of the Doctor, the smell I knew so well surrounded me in my memory, every atom of my body yearning for it to be true so much that in my head it almost was.

I don't know how long I stood like that, just pretending to be holding onto my Doctor, but it was long enough to know that _had to find a way back; no matter what. He was my life, and without him I was dead. I had to find the Doctor again, and even if it took me a million years, I knew that somehow, someday, I would hold his hand again. No matter what it took. _


End file.
